Pandora's (check)Box

Monday, after my grandmother’s birthday party, I received a text from my father.

“Jonathan….. you were absolutely right. I just reread my letter to you… yes it was all about me… which I am sure only hurt all the more.  I just sent you a short letter to explain and ask forgiveness. You should receive it in a day or two.”

Some might feel anger at a text like this one. Others might feel confusion.

I laughed.

Pardon my decent into madness, but why wouldn’t you just text an apology if you’re going to write out an apology? Why wouldn’t you just call and say that? Wouldn’t it be easier?

But then again, I imagine that nothing about this situation has been done the easy way, so why would the acknowledgement of wrongdoing be any different?

I was at home when I got this text, and relayed it to my roommate, R, and his girlfriend, D. I explained my thoughts to them as well.

Since writing seemed to be my father’s method of communication to me, I decided tonight was the night. I started writing my first posts for the blog.

I’m an English teacher. I have a Bachelor of Arts in English Education and a Master’s Degree in the Humanities. I have never actively kept a journal, nor have I written many stories. I find it difficult to carve out the time in my life for myself, and writing a blog demands resolve to write regularly. I thought that the challenge was one I was willing to take.

I enjoy telling stories. I love to read. But, somehow, finding the words outside of an academic paper was incredibly challenging and completely foreign to me.  What happened if my writing was bad? What if no one read the blog I would write? Rejection was a real fear about this, especially since so many people seemed to know about it. If it wasn’t received well, I wasn’t sure what to do.

More importantly, what if people actually read it? I’d be putting a lot about myself out there, given that I wanted to honestly describe the experience I was going through. Was I ready for people to share their own opinions and ideas about everything that has happened?

I will admit—there is a slight fantasy in my brain (and it’s still there) that somehow my biological parents will find my blog and read it. Then they’ll contact me, and we’ll meet, and everything will be wonderful. (Well, that or that someone will read this and turn it into a mini-series. Either way. Maybe the mini-series will help me find my bio parents? I have dreams!)

Believe it or not, I’m not a naïve person. My life has not worked out in a fairy tale perfect setting. Surprised? Yeah, me neither.

But then I had a new thought. What if there are other people go thought a similar situation? What if they don’t know what to do, and might need to know that someone has had a shared experience, which helps them know they aren’t alone? That would make this worth it.

Oddly enough, this thought also helped me realize that if there was a chance of the blog empowering others, I should also begin to do things empower myself.  So, I developed a checklist of things I need to start doing in order to assist my journey. It reads as follows:

·         Write my blog (read above as to why).

·         Find a therapist (because if I didn’t have things to work through before, I definitely do now.).
Find a new doctor (since I need to start from scratch with my medical history, I might as well begin with a new doctor. Why not go through all of this with someone who knows as much about me, biologically speaking, as I know about myself!).

·         Get a massage (my shoulders are like granite. It’s actually scary.).

·         Find a copy of my original Birth Certificate (so that I might be able to know where my parents were born, in an effort to find them.).

·         Contact American University’s Alumni department to see if one or both parents attended (maybe peruse a yearbook and find out what they looked like?).

·         Research Adoption details in Maryland (what exactly are my rights and abilities as an adoptee? I have no idea.).

·         Find biological Parents (obviously a long-term goal. And a challenging one at that.).

·         Try not to throat punch my dad or anyone who knew (civility first. Though, I reserve the right to do this, should beyond infuriating experiences occur.).

With this loose outline of a plan, I began to plan out the rest of the week. A good friend was getting married in DC in the upcoming weekend. I planned to stay with another friend who lived in DC, close to the venue, and who also happens to live near American University. I could go into the library and look through yearbooks after the wedding and see if my parents were students.

And, I could actually enjoy the union of two people who are building their own family and revel in their love.

I also realized that I wouldn’t have school on Friday, so I could try to get an original copy of my birth certificate.

Between that original copy, and looking through the yearbooks, I was convinced I would be finding my parents within days. Perhaps “convinced” is too strong a word. I had hope that I could find things out.

However, before I get to the bottom of the box, I have to fully confront all of the darkness and chaos surrounding me.

Guess this is where I embrace the chaos?