In tales of old, Heroes, as in the capital H varieties who
fought monsters and evil, were typically demigods lauded for their prowess in
battle, and praised for their physical and mental strength. I taught this for
years, but never considered the loneliness that many of these heroes faced.
I’d like to be clear, I in no way think of myself as a
hero, but the lessons of the epics still apply today, especially in this
situation.
You see, one of the struggles with becoming a hero is
that you develop a charismatic aura, a glamor, if you will, that develops once
the protagonist has done something worthy. With each deed, that image of self
is reflected to the public, and not only is this person seen as strong because
he or she conquered the evil, but because they are seen as practically
untouchable after defeating demons and their ilk.
Our modern equivalent is the use of defense mechanisms.
If you hadn’t caught on, one of mine is humor. I turn most things into a joke,
because it makes it easier for me to deal with them, especially if they are
difficult, sad, or aggravating. I’ve never been a class clown type, but I do
try to take the heat off of any given situation, if I can, by making some sort
of self-deprecating or witty comment.
Thus, humor is the first layer of my own personal armor.
The second is my intelligence. The third has always been honesty.
I’ve never really done well with lies or false
statements. I like things to be factual, real, verifiable information. Show me
in a book where you got that idea. What study are you using to support that
thought? Yes officer, I was driving 14 miles over the speed limit—you’re
correct.
However, I also use this honesty as a shield. I give
people more than what they expect, but not typically the full story of
everything I’m thinking or feeling. This gains trust, and allows the other
person to think he/she are seeing the real, slightly vulnerable me. It is a
calculated risk, using my intelligence and my desire for truth reflected in others.
But this is only a facet of who I am. It’s rare to have
seen me cry, or exhibit an emotion other than happiness, joy, frustration, or
disappointment. Few have really seen me angry, fewer yet actual devastation.
Therefore, with this preface, I realize that I come
across strong because I make others laugh about my pain, which I disclose
tactically and in small doses. This blog, in many ways, was to inform so many
people at once about what I knew, but to try and give myself some distance to
what I was actually feeling. The only problem was, I actually shared everything
I was thinking and feeling, instead of just a part. My vulnerability, as a
result, was much higher than I realized.
This brings me to a night I celebrated a friend’s
birthday with many mutual friends and family. I knew that, more than likely,
most people would know. However, only one or two had reached out to tell me so,
and to show support. As the party was in October, it was encouraged to dress up
for Halloween. I didn’t have a ton of time, but found a clever outfit that was
simple for the event.
I showed up dressed as Waldo. But instead of having
everyone find me, I had a nametag which read “Where are my parents?”.
I thought it was hilarious. My friends, not so much.
People laughed awkwardly as I arrived. One person even
said something to the extent of “I’m glad you’re handling this so well…”.
Except I wasn’t, at least, internally.
The spectacle of all of this was still so real. I didn’t
want people finding out in hushed whispers; there had been far too much of that
for the past 33 years.
Instead, I wanted to embrace it, head on, with my twisted
in-your-face sense of humor. So I did.
But I realize now that for many, it was too much.
Especially since many friends, some whom I considered family, haven’t really
spoken to me now in months, if not years.
I was angry about that for a while. How dare people leave
me in my moment of need? I did my best to always be there for people I cared
about. I was consistently a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to and offer
advice. Why wasn’t I able to get that in return? How could I not be hurt by
their callousness? The pain of not even being asked a genuine “How are you
doing?” was second only to the general sense of betrayal I’d felt for weeks. There was a slow, angry burn inside me for a
long time, fueled by the silence of supposed friends who never once picked up
the phone to check on me.
With time having passed, I realize two things now. The
first is what I wrote about earlier—that when you are perceived as strong it’s
difficult for others to know or be aware you need support.
In my experience, strong people gain their strength by
surviving difficult situations. There’s so many metaphors about being forged in
the fire of challenges, that we forget a fundamental truth—there’s often no
discussion about support given to these strong people. And that is, that many
people often disengage, so our strong hero is left alone to face whatever is
plaguing him or her.
Dr. Seuss explains it well, in Oh The Places You’ll Go (one of my favorite books, which I read to
my graduating students every year),
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.”
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.”
I’ve always been impressed by the wisdom of Dr. Seuss in
that book, and this section, especially, explains something I’ve felt often
during the past few years. To be honest, so much of the past two years have
literally and figuratively scared me out of my pants.
As a classic over-achiever, it’s difficult to ask for
help, so I expected that in a time of such an emotional upheaval as finding out
about my adoption, everyone would come running.
Some did, and I’m forever grateful.
Many didn’t.
But maybe they would have if my armor wasn’t so thick,
and they realized I was hurting.
Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing this now.
However, the second lesson is one that I’ve fought
against for years, and that is that sometimes people grow apart because their
experiences are only similar for a limited amount of time. And that’s ok. Not
only is it ok, it’s important to part with fondness for each other.
This I’ve accepted to be true, because we all walk
through life with different experiences, desires, dreams, and biases, and we
pick up many more along our journey. Some people are the friends we need at
that moment, to help or encourage us with a particular awareness for something,
to assist in solving a problem faced, or help to develop skill you wanted to
hone. Others evolve into forever friends, offering love, wisdom, and kindness
freely, and become the family we choose.
Both types of friends are valid and cherished forever, I
have always struggled with letting my people go, even if it’s clear we have
grown apart, because the constancy of the friendship seemed more important than
allowing something new to come along. While change is painful, pain is the only
way to know that you are growing and changing.
Thanks to my chosen family, I know that I’m stronger now
because you saw through, and sometimes fought through, my defense mechanisms.
I’m forever grateful for your support, compassion, and kindness.
If you’re someone who hasn’t been an active part of my
life over the past few months, know that while I miss you, I wish you well.
Maybe we’ll reconnect one day.
Most of all, if you are like me and hate to show others
your vulnerability because you’re afraid of being weak, I hope you begin to
realize that there are many people who care about you. These people care so
much that whatever kinds of metaphorical dragons you are facing, they’d fight
them with you. But they can only help you if you let them.
My experience has been to learn to lean into those
offering help. I’ve found that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you
often find new avenues for strength in ways and experiences you couldn’t have
guessed. Yes, there will be hurt now and then, but there will also be unexpected
joy.
Embrace those around you, and your joy.